Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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