youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
