So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
