It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
