I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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