when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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