I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
