Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
