God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
