kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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