This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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