i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
