come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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