WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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