I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
