You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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