I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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