I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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