She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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