Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
