Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
