Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
