the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
