the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize