I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
