i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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