if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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