I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize