i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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