if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
