Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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