I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
