There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
