he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Houston, we have a squirter
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
