then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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