Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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