so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
