just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
