I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
