I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
