youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
