I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's shark week go big or go home
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
