6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
