i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
