my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
