hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
