dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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