My girlfriend figured out who you are.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
