So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You peed on a flamingo?!?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
