Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
