remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
