Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
