my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize