I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
