I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
