My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
