my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
