Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
