I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i already hear my dad disowning me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
