There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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