i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
